The Most Romantic One At Heart?

Romantic One At Heart

“She was this innocent, foreign swan, a damsel in distress.
I stumbled at her radiance, and that gave her access.
So i’d act all goofy, till her stomach hurt, and she’d listen to all my stories, the shit i used to blurt.
But we were 4065km apart,
and longing for each other’s heart.
We fought the stars and turned them around,
to attain the virtual-but-true love that we had found.
I swear the time stopped, the first time i touched her cheek.
When I felt her skin and looked at her, the world didnt seem so bleak.
Dark and twisty, as she was, needed me to hold,
And I was where she seeked solace, I was her only mould.
She never could share me, and I happily gave her my all.
She was my commander and I was religiously at her beck and call.
But honeymoon was fading and so was the memory of her touch.
I pleaded for her attention, and she couldn’t care much.
I believed it was only her, who could pull me out of abyss.
So, I turned the stars again, so I could re-witness bliss.
Oh and I swear! it was glorious this time,
We scraped each other’s armour dime by dime.
We walked for hours, along the esplanade,
She showed me her world, and I was no more afraid.
She pretends it doesn’t bother her but her feet gets boils on the edge,
My heart’d ache to see this, it aches till day, I’d run to her just like I pledged.
She cried like a baby, the day I left, the face I won’t ever forget.
I left my heart at Hotel 81, for it saw the blood and tears we shed.

Then time went by and things started to change.
I was more in love with her, but she seemed to act strange.
I knew something was up, my baby that she was.
She held a lot back, and always succumbed to a pause.
I gave her space and gave her some more, the clingy bitch I was,
she took some more and took further more, without putting a clause.
I missed her and needed to take care of her, for I always looked after her like my three year old,
She brushed aside all my efforts and didn’t hold me when it was cold.
She never gave me what I asked for, but I loved her for all that she did.
But this time around she was indifferent and I turned to the demons that I hid.

Then one fine day, I found the secret door to which I was blind.
“I should’ve been away, I should’ve been away” I screamed inside my mind.

It was the world where all my favourite fantasies faded,
the demons came up and took over, what I thought was so sacred.
She told me it meant nothing, I always believed what she had to say.
I have always been so gullible, probably that’s what had given away.
And then I recalled all those times, that she hid and told me lies,
to me she was faultless and flawless but she was a woman in disguise.
My world fell apart, as I went pacing down my memory lane,
I died inside, i swear i did, how she worked her charm of feign.
And then, I needed time, to make sense of all the shit,
She panicked she’d lose me, she slipped on her constructed pit.
She told me I am an ugly whore, and she hated her time with me,
I couldn’t make sense of it, i couldn’t make sense of it at all. Wasn’t she supposed to make it right, wasn’t she supposed to plea?
I resided into a dark void, and she made sure I suffered hell.
Her pride couldn’t take the fact that I rang her dishonest bell.
So, she ensured I suffer further, when she was required to pull me back.
She fed me with hours of abuses and attacked my insecurities through my cracks.
She lost it, she really did, my little innocent swan.
And I saw her transform into this monster, who couldn’t tell right from wrong.
“Dee, don’t do this me” I told her decaying to depression,
But she wasn’t done yet for I was her possession.
It was around New Years and I broke down in the middle of a street.
I was dying of cold inside out, I shrilled “You’re a fucking cheat”.
And ofcourse, Satan’s daughter couldn’t bear what I had said,
She pierced my soul again and again, till I had no blood that bled.
Time went on and so did her treatment, but now her words didn’t affect,
and then she looked back to all that she’d done and frowned with regret.
But the damage was done, damage was done! Nothing could make it right.
She knew I take things to heart, she knows I take things to heart, yet she assaulted my fright.

I know I’d rather take my life, than give her another chance,
for she knows the shortest way to my heart, but I can’t again give in to devil’s dance.
So there goes her play, she pleads for me everyday, and I hate that I love her to the core.
I hate that I have grown so critical of the World, I hate that I can’t be selfless no more.
But I won’t give in, I can’t give in, for the years that she has shown,
I miss the bit of that foreign swan, who once had my mind so blown.”

My story: She had access to all my passwords, I gave her everything and trusted her, one day she found out my Tinder account. She did ask me before if I had it, just for fun because she was wondering where I was meeting all my new friends I told her I was hanging out with. I told her it was another app , didnt mention Tinder ( I know.. BIG MISTAKE) I couldn’t really tell her I used Tinder for friends, because I hadn’t any true ones , so I sort tinder. I asked her to check Tinder when she found out… nice and good for any conversation if I did cheat. She couldn’t find any. But I freaked out that she’d leave me . Because she was starting to act it when she spoke of efforts and honeymoon periods fading before any of this even happened. And under anger, I told her all the words …which I didn’t mean. Worst things. Like ugly yada yada. I lost her because of THIS. I don’t look at any other person now. Selling my soul away, and asking my parents to do whatever they want with it, bond with whatever human. She was my person. My only one. But now I think love isn’t about all these anyway inst it? It isn’t about honeymoon fading. Or competitions about how many “I Love Yous” we say to one another or if it balances. It’s secure, Its calming. Its not like all these goosebumps and butterflies for a time being.  And then she leaves because it became dull. Love is reassuring instead right?

Some facts about her : She was bubbly, lively, very brainy. Loved art, we used to share about music, film, poetry, She used to get to my brain. In too deep so much, We spent 20 hours on call each day. It was long distance. I didn’t like going out, even became a stay home entrepreneur and when I did go out with my friends ( group of mine whom she knew), she was upset I was hanging out with my buddies from my teenage years. She wanted more, and more I tried to give whenever. I loved her so much, that my soul died. And I died internally when she left

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